Editor’s Note: The right combination of people and values can greatly enhance a career.
“He blossomed with the role of a stay-at-home-father.” I have been fortunate to have a wonderful life’s partner. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for 34 years and two children. He has been with me all the way through college, medical school, residency, fellowship and beyond. He respected the work I did and currently do since it was all done to benefit patients. He never held my time spent at work as a weapon against me. I wasn’t choosing my work over him. I was simply helping someone’s family member.
It is possible for a partner to feel less valued than the work their spouse does. I never made my husband feel that way. Partners can help each other succeed. That has certainly been my experience.
When I was pregnant with our first child, my husband worked full time as a regional manager at a nearby company. Somewhere along the way, it occurred to us that we needed to plan for childcare. To my husband’s credit, he looked at our work situations and time demands and volunteered to stay home to raise the children. It was extraordinarily generous of him and provided me with “a security blanket.” If I was scrubbed on a complex case, “Dad” was there to manage the dilemmas and emergencies. He coached the kids’ sports teams, made friends with other stay-at-home-fathers, and has made a very comfortable place for himself in the community as the primary caregiver. As I said, he blossomed into the role. Our family has clearly benefited from the arrangement.
Some of the girls and young women I meet through my work, feel they can’t be both a surgeon and a wife. I am a living example that it can be done with the right partner. For it all to work, the couple’s values must align and there must be sincere caring and time given to each other.
This same philosophy applies to work partners. If values are aligned and all agree that the needs of the patient come first, we can help each other succeed while savoring our work. The health system or practice must also share in those values. This is very important to keep in mind as one interviews for jobs. In addition, once we have chosen a job, we as people create our own luck by how we treat and interact with each other. Mutual respect is invaluable.
To add an addendum to the influence we have on those younger females mentioned above, my colleagues and I have created a “Mini-Perry Initiative” for middle school aged girls. It is done after school and at school so those who struggle with transportation are not excluded because they can’t get a ride to the event. We are seeking to “cast a wider net” by introducing orthopaedics to all girls in a class, not just a privileged few. We are also introducing a unique career opportunity to girls before they become more introverted, which often happens during later adolescent years. We explain to them that some patients prefer a female surgeon and they can fill this need by choosing a career in orthopaedic surgery. Part of caring for a patient is making them comfortable while being treated, not just correcting their deformities.
What can my story teach others? You can have it all if you surround yourself with like-minded people. All must be invested in the same goal. This is true for life partnership as well as careers in orthopaedics. My unique situation may not be applicable to others but there are certainly other ways to structure work-life integration.
My advice to my younger self is as follows:
- Perfection is not a reality, especially as it applies to orthopaedic practice and surgery. The goal should be to make yourself better each day but not to strive for perfection. If there is someone who lives in your head you think is perfect, discard that notion. They aren’t.
- Be more gracious to myself & make more room for what I am capable of. Before COVID, I ran around frantically trying to do many things at once. The global pandemic made us slow down and look at our lives. Strive for “the greater good” but not endless good. That attitude has helped me find more balance, which ultimately brings its own rewards.