Editor’s Note: Useful information for women to consider when conversing with men in the workplace and in life.
“I had gone to a lecture sponsored by the Ruth Jackson Orthopaedic Society on ‘Breaking the Glass Ceiling’.” It outlined the differences in intent behind question-asking among men and women. If a woman asks a question in the workplace, a man may assume she does not know the answer and may penalize her for that. Women, on the other hand, ask questions to gather more information to add to what they already know. This collaborative approach allows them ultimately to make their best decision.
Here is an example from my year as a chief resident. On call, I received a patient with multiple upper extremity fractures. I discussed the case with one of my junior attendings. He went into great detail with his recommendations. I then went on to fix the fractures as I felt was best for the individual patient.
The following Monday, the attending barreled into my office and confronted me. He said, “You didn’t know what to do! You asked me and then you didn’t listen.” He was angry and I was confused. My conversation with him was meant to collect data so I could make my own decision, not simply to follow his instructions.
After that incident, I learned to phrase my statements in a way that appeared I was not asking what to do. As an example, “I’m thinking about doing it this way.” We as chief residents were ultimately in control of patient care, but we had a host of junior attendings we could discuss cases with. Helping them understand that I used questions to gather information for decision-making was very important.
Another example of male female differences described in the lecture is how we approach tasks. A woman says, “I need a black skirt. Let’s go to the mall.” She and her husband drive to the mall and enter. He goes into a shop, stops at a rack, pulls out a black skirt of the correct size and says, “Here it is.” She says, “Maybe there are others with different styles and trims to consider. And maybe while we are here, we can go to lunch.” The man hunts and kills the skirt, the woman carefully considers her options and use of time.
What can these examples teach others? It is important to think about how your question is being received. Phrase it appropriately for the recipient so you get what you are looking for and continue to be respected.
What is my advice to my younger self?
• Be yourself and “not one of the guys.”
• Men and women approach problem-solving differently. Men often make a decision unilaterally. Women collect data, add it to their experiences, and then make their decision. Learn how to negotiate these important gender-based differences.
• Handle adverse situations or people effectively so it is not necessary to give up a practice you have worked hard for.
• When an important situation or employment position must come to an end, other possibilities will reveal themselves. These may prove better than those you left behind. Women’s superpowers are that they are adaptable and innovative!